I have a new found sense of being okay lately. It seems that I have had enough time without outsiders to think about the direction of my life and what it is to become. I have made my life everything that it is. My decisions have put me where I am at this point.
I have stepped back and searched inside of me as to why I am going through a custody battle with a man who is a stranger to my daughter. I have seen that it is beyond my control and accepted that my daughter needs to know her father to find herself later in life. She will have to learn on her own time who he is. In the end, she will know that I love her and that I am here no matter the feelings or reason she has doubts.
I can only protect her from so much. Life experiences, good and bad, will be something that she has to go through. I get chills thinking that he is ripping away a piece of innocence from a four year old child. But I have to realize that I lay down with him and had a child and that child deserves to know where she came from.
I never, until recently, had a good relationship with my father. I felt the impact of this throughout my life. And my daughter, doesn't even have a father around. This is partially my fault. I didn't keep him away, but I had a child with him. I did not understand just how much she would suffer because of that.
I should have went after him in the beginning. I should have forced him to pay child support and sign over his rights. I felt, at the time, that if he was gone out of our lives not calling a hundred times a day or beating me, that we were better off. Yet, now I know that this was a futile mistake. I let eveidence go and tried as hard as I could to forget about him. I made sure to never speak his name and keep little trinkets for when the conversation about him occurred. (Which I estimated to be 12)
I had no idea at four he would try to rip her from everything that she has ever known. This was something that I should have expected from him.
Until Then,
Blondie
6 comments:
"I felt, at the time, that if he was gone out of our lives not calling a hundred times a day or beating me, that we were better off."
Even though it's not good to not have your father around, I think you made the right decision, because for your daughter to go through seeing her father beat her mother is very damaging. I heard some of that stuff at night when I was a kid; it's not fun. Especially when you wake up in the morning and find a shattered glass table and drops of blood in your kitchen. Or your mother with a patch over her eye. My dad learned from his dad...
I also endured the childhood trauma that you did. My most vivid memory is my mother coming in her her white jeans, red with blood telling me it would be ok.
I am happy to have support in my decisions. I value your opinion and love that you comment
Thank you
Blondie
I like the background. Your words are deep, very deep, and I commend you for speaking about it.
Thank You Very much...I hope that someone learns from this blog. Sometimes it is hard to blog it but in the end it helps me heal
Blondie
u r crazy. i have gone to psycho after reading tjis stuff.keep it up.luv to visit again. http://mandeleefbusiness.blogspot.com/
Thank You Very Much for the input
Blondie
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