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The Fight Begins

My memories of the day I found out that my pap came back cancerous are blurred but vivid. I can remember exactly what conversation I was having when the call came in and everything that concluded the day. The phone call that I had for thirty minutes with a nurse practitioner on the phone, on the other hand, is a different story.

I spent the morning hours of this particular Friday outside playing with my daughter. I had turned down plans to go to a party with a close friend. I felt I just needed to stay home with my daughter. I had recently gone through a terrible break up and just hadn't felt like doing anything.

I was talking on the phone with my friend as another call came in. I asked him to hold on and switched over unaware of the conversation that was about to take place. The voice on the phone was a woman eager to let me know that my pap had came back. She preceded to tell me that it had came back positive for cancer and that I needed to see a specialist because there was no more they could do there.

That point in the conversation is when it becomes a blur. I haven't a clue what she said, and why a telephone conversation was deemed the method to let me know. She had no information besides it was something that needed immediate attention.

After about thirty minutes, my friend was still on hold. I have no clue why he chose to stay on the line for that long. He normally hangs up after a few seconds, but this time he was still there.

The conversation had gone from happy to sad. Two weeks earlier one of our friends was diagnosed with cancer with a terrible outlook. He was fading fast, and now I was diagnosed. He was screaming to God about why all of us, and I was crying hysterically screaming why me?

He assured me that he would be there through this and I was planning on how to say good-bye to my one year old. I was lying down before I knew what fight was ahead. This was definitely a hurdle in life that would show how strong I was, or break me completely. I was leaning toward being broke at this moment, unaware of just how strong I could be.

Until Then


Happy Days

The past days have been great for me. I have been talking to colleges and making final decisions on where I should go. Though I have not been able to make my mind up, I am confident that I will be able to choose wisely. My head is up and my heart is light.

Until Then,



Hello Friends!

Sorry no posts! I have been at a Conference for the college. I was honored at a ceremony and named the college's Academic All-Star. It was a wonderful event in a big city. I was excited to be away from the country scene. I was with the best people I know. I got to kick it with college professors and recruiters. It was a wonderful experience I will never forget.

After I accepted my award at the conclusion of the ceremony, I was recruited by multiple colleges. As I walked across that stage and they announced my name and read my biography, I had an epiphany. I had never thought I had accomplished so much in such a short stay at a two year college.

The best thing was when my entire college section gave me a standing ovation. They were really proud of me and that is something I have never experienced before. They all had to have a picture and a hug. Over and over I heard that the sky was the limit and I represented the college in a light that they did not expect. I am still excited about it.

In a few short days, I realized that I have power to accomplish everything and go wherever I choose. The best part is it will be free. Twelve universities in the state have offered me scholarships to attend their college. The package includes everything from book stipends to housing. All include full tuition.

I stand here today knowing that I have accomplished a great deal in two years; and I now realize that my accomplishments are stepping stones for the next chapter. I am proof that reaching for the stars is not impossible for anyone. It does not matter if you are barely getting by and still searching for yourself. If you dig deep you can accomplish anything.

~No One But You Can Control Motivation


I am stronger than before...

My daughter celebrated turning five this weekend. Though her party had to be postponed until this weekend due to us being sick, she enjoyed her birthday. I spent a lot of time, energy, and money to create the perfect princess party for my little sunshine. I even spent time making a scroll invitation to the Royal Ball she will host. Every "i" was dotted and "t" was crossed. I even went as far as to include an RSVP number, better known as my cell number.

My daughter and I went around and personally delivered the little ribbon wrapped invitations. She even gave some to her friends across the street. (The ones that aren't allowed to play with her because of the custody battle. Their father seems to be best friends with my psychotic ex.)

Since the day after they received their invitations, I have been getting phone calls from a private number. The familiar breathing and laughing into the phone is back. Just like old times before I got my number changed. Exact same time every day, 10:30 a.m. I know who it is....The PSYCHO.

This is the exact reason why I have refused to give my number in the court case. Exactly why I should have never gave out my number period. All I was trying to do was make my daughter's day special and answer any questions that may come up.

This is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life? So now I ask my reader's to help me catch this low life. How can I trace a private number from a cell phone? Not only will this catch him in the act, but be perfect ammo to show in court that he is nothing more than a psychotic scum bag.

Little does he know that I am no longer a weak, scared little girl. I am a mom who will stand up for me and my daughter at all costs. He has struck a cord with me. He thinks he runs the show, still? Ha! Who gave him the faulty information?

I run the show! I call the shots! I am the ring leader! In my eyes, he is nothing more,and will never be more, than a sperm donor. He is lighting a short fuse. When I lose my cool, it won't be pretty. If he has so much love and wants a relationship with his daughter, then he needs to go about it in a grown up manner!

I know with all of your help I can catch this bastard and prove what a shit starting fool he is. He has been smart enough to block it before it ever comes in so the cell company can't tell who it is. I want your help with ANY information, no matter the cost, on how to get blocked numbers to show up. ANY INFORMSATION IS APPRECIATED!

I am taking a stand for the innocent. The child that can't sleep at night because of her fear that you will try to kidnap her again. The one who is now in fear of strangers and their motives. I will stand up and knock you down. You control nothing. I am no longer weak. You will have to find another victim.

Keep messing up and I promise I will expose you.

Until Then,

To my readers...

I would like to take the time to thank each and every one of my readers. The feedback I have been getting really makes me want to write even more. I am so happy that you all can relate and that you stay true as followers and read regularly.

I have never confident and outgoing with my writing. I have kept my published work to myself and remember clearly refusing to read my essays in class. I always felt my point of view was different. I thought I looked at trough a different mirror. Now, only because of the feedback of my readers, I am ready to show my writing to the world.

I am so happy that I can reach someone else. I know that sometimes I say things that offend some, but I can now confident that I am letting others know they are not alone.

I now know that there are people out there who understand me as a writer. I will continue to work on posts for you all. I hope you enjoy the rest of my blogging! Again, thank you so much!

Until Then,

Making a decision for the future....

Pshchology has been one of my interesting classes this semester. I have learned more about myself in there than anything else. The journal that we keep is full of my problems in the custody battle. It is refreshing to hear her point of view on things for free when other people pay her so much.

I actually found someone who I can trust. Our student relationship has jumped to her being my mentor. She is eager to help me out and pass on advice. She told me the other day that she thinks I could work in her field very easily. That was a huge surprise because I have never considered being a therapist. But I think that she has a good point.

I talk about my problems and help other people blogging, why not do it for money. My hope is to be able to write for money some day. So now I am contemplating whether I should give up my English major with teaching credentials and go for broke practicing as a therapist.

I have never been very sure where my place was in life, but I am confident that I will be able to find it through some soul searching. I do have A LOT of times on my hands lately.

Who knows, you just might be sitting with me having me fix your problems. And that could change your life. Which is ultimately, something I want in life. Making a difference is the main goal I have in my life.

I think it was said best here: Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

Until Then,

Red Flags

Red Flags. This is something that I have decided that I am looking at through blind eyes. After my lecture in Abnormal Psychology, I walked out stunned. I was in such deep thought about how I could miss so much, that I slammed into the wall dropping everything.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I sat reading my chapter over and over. So many things laying on the surface that I just let brushed aside or explained away. How could I ever subconsciously think that I wasn't good enough? Somehow, I let my past still have a hold over my thinking.

I have spent so much time trying to learn from my past. In that learning I have said over and over I would never be there again, but I have gone back there. Yet I missed the all important qualities that all of my situations held.

I see now that rudeness to others, or an underlying feeling of being superior can be deal breakers if you want any respect from a man. I also learned that you can tell how a man will treat a woman by seeing him interact with his mother. The same goes for a woman with her father.

I am learning that every day I have to look up and learn. I have to be vigilant against the outside world. I will not let all of this be a lesson learned and hope that tomorrow will be better than today.

I have a broken heart, but it is my fault as much as his. He is who he is and he is entitled to live however he wants. I am, on the other hand, have to choose people with qualities that I yearn for and cannot ignore the signs that can be observed in the beginning.

Until Then,


I am moving on

After a lot of thinking and being alone, I decided that it is time for me to get over my ex. He doesn't care about me, we have been broke up for a while, and it is to the point to where we barely talk. I am sick of sitting around and wondering if the phone os going to ring and it will be him. And when it is I usually hang up crying anyway.

So I have been talking to a guy from college, not anything about a relationship, just conversation. After thinking about it A LOT, I decided that I would invite him over last night to hang out. Though I felt like I was betraying my ex and almost backed out, I had an amazingly good time!

My lil bro, the inspector of the men in my life, loved him! That was a plus too. My brother is tired of seeing me hurt and wants me to move on. Everyone else in my family wants me to move on too. All except my dad who has become close to best friends with him since his divorce. Hell, he spends more time with him and talks to him more than I do! But my father does not realize that it had become them and not us. And that is not what I want in my life.

I am happy that I had a nice time with someone else. I think that I just might have proven to myself that I am better than the bullshit I have put up with lately. If my ex wants his break he can have it and he can deal with whatever happens during that break. It was his decision in the first place. All of us have to learn to live with our choices. Maybe now is his turn!

Until Then,