Will you revisit my blog?


I was quickly seen by an oncologist after finding out that I had cancer. I had a biopsy. It quickly came back positive and surgery was planned. I sat in my hospital bed thinking if the good bye before my surgery would be the last one I would be giving my daughter.

Being a single parent was something I had pride in and now it was my greatest fear. Where would she go? Who would take care of her? What path would she choose in life? Who would protect her like me? Tears were running down my face as I thought of all the if's.

Then a miraculous thing happened. A ten year old girl named Holly was rolled in the room I was in. She was waiting for her surgery as well. She was eager to talk. She had a twinkle in her eye when she asked me what was my diagnosis.

I told her I had cervical cancer and had to have surgery. She said that she had cancer too. She showed me a bunny that had a button for an eye and its ear held on with a safety pin. She said his name was comfort. She said that was the only one in the whole world who knew all her secrets.

As slow as hospitals are, we got in a life changing conversation. She asked me lots of questions. She asked me if I hurt all the time and I told her no. Her response was that she had terrible pain. She said that she couldn't tell anyone about the pain because it made her mom cry. She said that Comfort got his ear ripped off after her last surgery when her pain was bad.

She then told me that she had one more year to live. She didn't cry or sniffle. She just moved on to her next question for me. How long do you have? I looked at her with tears in my eyes and a lumo in my throat and said a little longer. She talked like a grown educated woman. She was well mannered and adorable. Soon after that last question she was wheeled to surgery.

As I lay in that bed waiting for my turn in the operating room, I lay there thinking of how such a young girl who was told she was going to die was doing so well. She would go without telling anyone she hurt so her mom would feel better. She was so selfless in her actions.

And here I sat, worried if I would be okay. Worrying about me when every doctor had told me I just needed surgery and it would be over. And I was treating it like tomorrow may not come.

I was eventually sedated. I woke up cancer free. I could leave in a few hours. It was over. A nurse came to my bedside and told me there was someone who wanted to see me. It was Holly. She looked so battered. She came to make sure I made it okay. Her words were a whisper as she told me she hoped to see me again.

I went home that night and in a week was fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. But I did go visit Holly three more times before she passed. We talked about her pain and heaven. She told me that angels have no pain. She told me when it hurt and I would get a nurse. As far as she knew her mom never knew her pain.

She told me she wasn't afraid to die. She was afraid for her mom when she was gone. She wasn't sure if she would be okay. Holly was more to me than just someone I met; she was an inspiration to reach for the stars. According to her, that is where she is.

Her mom is doing better. I have visited and shared e-mails and stories with her sabout her daughter. She knows that it takes a special person to make a special person like Holly. She knows that she inspired me to look at the bright sides and to know when to worry for others and not myself.

Holly will always be a part of my life even though she is gone. I know that I met her for a reason and will treasure that for the rest of my life. She was an inspiration to more people than just me I am sure.

Until Then

I am writing this letter because I feel obligated to be the bigger person. Though you know I blog, you never cared. Though I can rest assured that it is out there and if you want to find it, you will. For some reason, that makes me feel better.

You left me nine months ago. You left slowly but nine months ago, you were gone. Gave up on me in a time of need. Just walked away. You popped back in a few times for a few months. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have to. In fact, I would have washed my hands of myself completely.

After my car was smashed into a tree at a hundred and twenty, you were there. My whole life changed. I realized the mistakes I made and fixed them. You were always in the background telling me to keep changing back into who I was, but I could never reach your standards.

For the last few months I have became distant from you. I tried every way possible to show my sincerity, to no avail. You kept saying change you. Well I did, I am in a spot now where I am on top again. My goals and aspirations are even bigger than they were before and my motivation is amazing.

I asked you to work with me but you always said you were not the one who needed the work. I tried to explain that, in my mind, it couldn't work unless we worked on us too. You would have none of that.

The past couple of months, you have made me feel like I was worthless. You came around and was nice until I met your needs, and then you would bash me into the ground and leave until the next time. I believed in us enough to give it a chance. I kept trying.

My phone calls became unanswered. It got to the point to where you would not even call me back. I was starting to get the hint then, but I wanted to give it another shot. I let this go on for a while. It wasn't until it got to the point where I was crying every time we talked that I started to wonder why I put up with it.

The jokes about my weight and huffing when I would want to eat at nine was ridiculous. The comments about my medication was uncalled for. The waltzing in and out and only thinking about yourself was wrong.

If every time I do anything I have to second guess myself, then I don't need to be where I am. You made me feel so uncomfortable, used, and unwanted that I lost interest. The constant get off of me when I tried to love on you and the pushing away I put up with for as long as I could.

I know you would be happy for it to continue the way it has. Never progressing, saying that it would take time. It all got to me. In nine months it has gotten worse every month and I am supposed to keep trying? Why?

I don't deserve this. I made mistakes and it is fine if you chose to leave. But to treat my heart like it was nothing, was mean and hateful. I will not be degraded to the standards you think of me. I have my whole life ahead of me and a path that leads me to anywhere I want to go.

The one thing that hurts the most, is that I let you into my daughter's life. She thought the world of you and you were a positive male role model in her life. Now, she is just another kid to you. Somehow, I think that you are on the short end of the stick.

When you can pull your head out of your ass and see what you do as well as the people around, that you are so critical of, you will see that you are no better than me. I don't care who comes out on top or who is happier with this. I walk away satisfied that I made the right decision.

I never have to feel that I am not sexy and appealing. I never have to feel that I can't have a cigarette or a drink at five. I never have to feel that my decisions are the wrong ones because they are not exactly what you would have chosen. I never have to feel that I am less than what I should be. And I never have to feel like I am alone when someone is sitting right next to me.

I walk away. There is no more how are you doing. There are no more memories. The ones I have are tainted with who you turned into. The bitterness that you possess is something I do not want in my life. I want to walk away and be happy. I am in a happy point in my life and want to enjoy it. I cannot do that with you any longer. You hurt me to bad. And one day I hope to hear I am sorry from you. Though I do not want you to think I believe that you owe me something. I promise you, you have given me enough.

Until Then