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I was quickly seen by an oncologist after finding out that I had cancer. I had a biopsy. It quickly came back positive and surgery was planned. I sat in my hospital bed thinking if the good bye before my surgery would be the last one I would be giving my daughter.

Being a single parent was something I had pride in and now it was my greatest fear. Where would she go? Who would take care of her? What path would she choose in life? Who would protect her like me? Tears were running down my face as I thought of all the if's.

Then a miraculous thing happened. A ten year old girl named Holly was rolled in the room I was in. She was waiting for her surgery as well. She was eager to talk. She had a twinkle in her eye when she asked me what was my diagnosis.

I told her I had cervical cancer and had to have surgery. She said that she had cancer too. She showed me a bunny that had a button for an eye and its ear held on with a safety pin. She said his name was comfort. She said that was the only one in the whole world who knew all her secrets.

As slow as hospitals are, we got in a life changing conversation. She asked me lots of questions. She asked me if I hurt all the time and I told her no. Her response was that she had terrible pain. She said that she couldn't tell anyone about the pain because it made her mom cry. She said that Comfort got his ear ripped off after her last surgery when her pain was bad.

She then told me that she had one more year to live. She didn't cry or sniffle. She just moved on to her next question for me. How long do you have? I looked at her with tears in my eyes and a lumo in my throat and said a little longer. She talked like a grown educated woman. She was well mannered and adorable. Soon after that last question she was wheeled to surgery.

As I lay in that bed waiting for my turn in the operating room, I lay there thinking of how such a young girl who was told she was going to die was doing so well. She would go without telling anyone she hurt so her mom would feel better. She was so selfless in her actions.

And here I sat, worried if I would be okay. Worrying about me when every doctor had told me I just needed surgery and it would be over. And I was treating it like tomorrow may not come.

I was eventually sedated. I woke up cancer free. I could leave in a few hours. It was over. A nurse came to my bedside and told me there was someone who wanted to see me. It was Holly. She looked so battered. She came to make sure I made it okay. Her words were a whisper as she told me she hoped to see me again.

I went home that night and in a week was fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. But I did go visit Holly three more times before she passed. We talked about her pain and heaven. She told me that angels have no pain. She told me when it hurt and I would get a nurse. As far as she knew her mom never knew her pain.

She told me she wasn't afraid to die. She was afraid for her mom when she was gone. She wasn't sure if she would be okay. Holly was more to me than just someone I met; she was an inspiration to reach for the stars. According to her, that is where she is.

Her mom is doing better. I have visited and shared e-mails and stories with her sabout her daughter. She knows that it takes a special person to make a special person like Holly. She knows that she inspired me to look at the bright sides and to know when to worry for others and not myself.

Holly will always be a part of my life even though she is gone. I know that I met her for a reason and will treasure that for the rest of my life. She was an inspiration to more people than just me I am sure.

Until Then

I am writing this letter because I feel obligated to be the bigger person. Though you know I blog, you never cared. Though I can rest assured that it is out there and if you want to find it, you will. For some reason, that makes me feel better.

You left me nine months ago. You left slowly but nine months ago, you were gone. Gave up on me in a time of need. Just walked away. You popped back in a few times for a few months. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have to. In fact, I would have washed my hands of myself completely.

After my car was smashed into a tree at a hundred and twenty, you were there. My whole life changed. I realized the mistakes I made and fixed them. You were always in the background telling me to keep changing back into who I was, but I could never reach your standards.

For the last few months I have became distant from you. I tried every way possible to show my sincerity, to no avail. You kept saying change you. Well I did, I am in a spot now where I am on top again. My goals and aspirations are even bigger than they were before and my motivation is amazing.

I asked you to work with me but you always said you were not the one who needed the work. I tried to explain that, in my mind, it couldn't work unless we worked on us too. You would have none of that.

The past couple of months, you have made me feel like I was worthless. You came around and was nice until I met your needs, and then you would bash me into the ground and leave until the next time. I believed in us enough to give it a chance. I kept trying.

My phone calls became unanswered. It got to the point to where you would not even call me back. I was starting to get the hint then, but I wanted to give it another shot. I let this go on for a while. It wasn't until it got to the point where I was crying every time we talked that I started to wonder why I put up with it.

The jokes about my weight and huffing when I would want to eat at nine was ridiculous. The comments about my medication was uncalled for. The waltzing in and out and only thinking about yourself was wrong.

If every time I do anything I have to second guess myself, then I don't need to be where I am. You made me feel so uncomfortable, used, and unwanted that I lost interest. The constant get off of me when I tried to love on you and the pushing away I put up with for as long as I could.

I know you would be happy for it to continue the way it has. Never progressing, saying that it would take time. It all got to me. In nine months it has gotten worse every month and I am supposed to keep trying? Why?

I don't deserve this. I made mistakes and it is fine if you chose to leave. But to treat my heart like it was nothing, was mean and hateful. I will not be degraded to the standards you think of me. I have my whole life ahead of me and a path that leads me to anywhere I want to go.

The one thing that hurts the most, is that I let you into my daughter's life. She thought the world of you and you were a positive male role model in her life. Now, she is just another kid to you. Somehow, I think that you are on the short end of the stick.

When you can pull your head out of your ass and see what you do as well as the people around, that you are so critical of, you will see that you are no better than me. I don't care who comes out on top or who is happier with this. I walk away satisfied that I made the right decision.

I never have to feel that I am not sexy and appealing. I never have to feel that I can't have a cigarette or a drink at five. I never have to feel that my decisions are the wrong ones because they are not exactly what you would have chosen. I never have to feel that I am less than what I should be. And I never have to feel like I am alone when someone is sitting right next to me.

I walk away. There is no more how are you doing. There are no more memories. The ones I have are tainted with who you turned into. The bitterness that you possess is something I do not want in my life. I want to walk away and be happy. I am in a happy point in my life and want to enjoy it. I cannot do that with you any longer. You hurt me to bad. And one day I hope to hear I am sorry from you. Though I do not want you to think I believe that you owe me something. I promise you, you have given me enough.

Until Then

The Family Meeting

A rushed phone call to my father was the first of many made. My father and I were far from close. Yet, for some reason I had the urge to call him. I ceried to him when he picked up the phone, that I was dying. I had cancer. My life was over. What wouls happen to my daughter?

He was crying, on the other end, not something that I had never imagined he would do. In tearful words he told me we would fight this together. He told me to call my mom at work and let her. In fifteen minutes I was clutched in my parents arms like a toddler who had broke his or her arm.

Though there was so much love around me, I was numb. I could only think about how I was going to have to say goodbye to my daughter. Ever since she was born I had spent every second with her. She was spoiled and my baby. What would happen to her if I had to leave her?

I was rushed to the place that said my pap came back cancerous. My mom was with me because I was falling apart. They showed some pictures of where the cancer was located and said sugery would probably get it all. They just said that they couldn't do anymore at their clinic.

I told the lady that I had no insurance and there was no way I could ever afford surgery. She explained to me about breast and cervical cancer Medicaid for people in my situation and that I could sign up for that. And see where it would get me.

Later that day we had a family meeting with my gradparents, uncle, and my parents. That day I decided that I would stand up and fight this for my daughter. I had to do what was best for her. I called the doctor's office and told them my diagnosis and they set me up an appointment for three days later.

I had begun to be strong on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart.

Until Then


The Fight Begins

My memories of the day I found out that my pap came back cancerous are blurred but vivid. I can remember exactly what conversation I was having when the call came in and everything that concluded the day. The phone call that I had for thirty minutes with a nurse practitioner on the phone, on the other hand, is a different story.

I spent the morning hours of this particular Friday outside playing with my daughter. I had turned down plans to go to a party with a close friend. I felt I just needed to stay home with my daughter. I had recently gone through a terrible break up and just hadn't felt like doing anything.

I was talking on the phone with my friend as another call came in. I asked him to hold on and switched over unaware of the conversation that was about to take place. The voice on the phone was a woman eager to let me know that my pap had came back. She preceded to tell me that it had came back positive for cancer and that I needed to see a specialist because there was no more they could do there.

That point in the conversation is when it becomes a blur. I haven't a clue what she said, and why a telephone conversation was deemed the method to let me know. She had no information besides it was something that needed immediate attention.

After about thirty minutes, my friend was still on hold. I have no clue why he chose to stay on the line for that long. He normally hangs up after a few seconds, but this time he was still there.

The conversation had gone from happy to sad. Two weeks earlier one of our friends was diagnosed with cancer with a terrible outlook. He was fading fast, and now I was diagnosed. He was screaming to God about why all of us, and I was crying hysterically screaming why me?

He assured me that he would be there through this and I was planning on how to say good-bye to my one year old. I was lying down before I knew what fight was ahead. This was definitely a hurdle in life that would show how strong I was, or break me completely. I was leaning toward being broke at this moment, unaware of just how strong I could be.

Until Then


Happy Days

The past days have been great for me. I have been talking to colleges and making final decisions on where I should go. Though I have not been able to make my mind up, I am confident that I will be able to choose wisely. My head is up and my heart is light.

Until Then,



Hello Friends!

Sorry no posts! I have been at a Conference for the college. I was honored at a ceremony and named the college's Academic All-Star. It was a wonderful event in a big city. I was excited to be away from the country scene. I was with the best people I know. I got to kick it with college professors and recruiters. It was a wonderful experience I will never forget.

After I accepted my award at the conclusion of the ceremony, I was recruited by multiple colleges. As I walked across that stage and they announced my name and read my biography, I had an epiphany. I had never thought I had accomplished so much in such a short stay at a two year college.

The best thing was when my entire college section gave me a standing ovation. They were really proud of me and that is something I have never experienced before. They all had to have a picture and a hug. Over and over I heard that the sky was the limit and I represented the college in a light that they did not expect. I am still excited about it.

In a few short days, I realized that I have power to accomplish everything and go wherever I choose. The best part is it will be free. Twelve universities in the state have offered me scholarships to attend their college. The package includes everything from book stipends to housing. All include full tuition.

I stand here today knowing that I have accomplished a great deal in two years; and I now realize that my accomplishments are stepping stones for the next chapter. I am proof that reaching for the stars is not impossible for anyone. It does not matter if you are barely getting by and still searching for yourself. If you dig deep you can accomplish anything.

~No One But You Can Control Motivation


I am stronger than before...

My daughter celebrated turning five this weekend. Though her party had to be postponed until this weekend due to us being sick, she enjoyed her birthday. I spent a lot of time, energy, and money to create the perfect princess party for my little sunshine. I even spent time making a scroll invitation to the Royal Ball she will host. Every "i" was dotted and "t" was crossed. I even went as far as to include an RSVP number, better known as my cell number.

My daughter and I went around and personally delivered the little ribbon wrapped invitations. She even gave some to her friends across the street. (The ones that aren't allowed to play with her because of the custody battle. Their father seems to be best friends with my psychotic ex.)

Since the day after they received their invitations, I have been getting phone calls from a private number. The familiar breathing and laughing into the phone is back. Just like old times before I got my number changed. Exact same time every day, 10:30 a.m. I know who it is....The PSYCHO.

This is the exact reason why I have refused to give my number in the court case. Exactly why I should have never gave out my number period. All I was trying to do was make my daughter's day special and answer any questions that may come up.

This is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life? So now I ask my reader's to help me catch this low life. How can I trace a private number from a cell phone? Not only will this catch him in the act, but be perfect ammo to show in court that he is nothing more than a psychotic scum bag.

Little does he know that I am no longer a weak, scared little girl. I am a mom who will stand up for me and my daughter at all costs. He has struck a cord with me. He thinks he runs the show, still? Ha! Who gave him the faulty information?

I run the show! I call the shots! I am the ring leader! In my eyes, he is nothing more,and will never be more, than a sperm donor. He is lighting a short fuse. When I lose my cool, it won't be pretty. If he has so much love and wants a relationship with his daughter, then he needs to go about it in a grown up manner!

I know with all of your help I can catch this bastard and prove what a shit starting fool he is. He has been smart enough to block it before it ever comes in so the cell company can't tell who it is. I want your help with ANY information, no matter the cost, on how to get blocked numbers to show up. ANY INFORMSATION IS APPRECIATED!

I am taking a stand for the innocent. The child that can't sleep at night because of her fear that you will try to kidnap her again. The one who is now in fear of strangers and their motives. I will stand up and knock you down. You control nothing. I am no longer weak. You will have to find another victim.

Keep messing up and I promise I will expose you.

Until Then,

To my readers...

I would like to take the time to thank each and every one of my readers. The feedback I have been getting really makes me want to write even more. I am so happy that you all can relate and that you stay true as followers and read regularly.

I have never confident and outgoing with my writing. I have kept my published work to myself and remember clearly refusing to read my essays in class. I always felt my point of view was different. I thought I looked at trough a different mirror. Now, only because of the feedback of my readers, I am ready to show my writing to the world.

I am so happy that I can reach someone else. I know that sometimes I say things that offend some, but I can now confident that I am letting others know they are not alone.

I now know that there are people out there who understand me as a writer. I will continue to work on posts for you all. I hope you enjoy the rest of my blogging! Again, thank you so much!

Until Then,

Making a decision for the future....

Pshchology has been one of my interesting classes this semester. I have learned more about myself in there than anything else. The journal that we keep is full of my problems in the custody battle. It is refreshing to hear her point of view on things for free when other people pay her so much.

I actually found someone who I can trust. Our student relationship has jumped to her being my mentor. She is eager to help me out and pass on advice. She told me the other day that she thinks I could work in her field very easily. That was a huge surprise because I have never considered being a therapist. But I think that she has a good point.

I talk about my problems and help other people blogging, why not do it for money. My hope is to be able to write for money some day. So now I am contemplating whether I should give up my English major with teaching credentials and go for broke practicing as a therapist.

I have never been very sure where my place was in life, but I am confident that I will be able to find it through some soul searching. I do have A LOT of times on my hands lately.

Who knows, you just might be sitting with me having me fix your problems. And that could change your life. Which is ultimately, something I want in life. Making a difference is the main goal I have in my life.

I think it was said best here: Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

Until Then,

Red Flags

Red Flags. This is something that I have decided that I am looking at through blind eyes. After my lecture in Abnormal Psychology, I walked out stunned. I was in such deep thought about how I could miss so much, that I slammed into the wall dropping everything.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I sat reading my chapter over and over. So many things laying on the surface that I just let brushed aside or explained away. How could I ever subconsciously think that I wasn't good enough? Somehow, I let my past still have a hold over my thinking.

I have spent so much time trying to learn from my past. In that learning I have said over and over I would never be there again, but I have gone back there. Yet I missed the all important qualities that all of my situations held.

I see now that rudeness to others, or an underlying feeling of being superior can be deal breakers if you want any respect from a man. I also learned that you can tell how a man will treat a woman by seeing him interact with his mother. The same goes for a woman with her father.

I am learning that every day I have to look up and learn. I have to be vigilant against the outside world. I will not let all of this be a lesson learned and hope that tomorrow will be better than today.

I have a broken heart, but it is my fault as much as his. He is who he is and he is entitled to live however he wants. I am, on the other hand, have to choose people with qualities that I yearn for and cannot ignore the signs that can be observed in the beginning.

Until Then,


I am moving on

After a lot of thinking and being alone, I decided that it is time for me to get over my ex. He doesn't care about me, we have been broke up for a while, and it is to the point to where we barely talk. I am sick of sitting around and wondering if the phone os going to ring and it will be him. And when it is I usually hang up crying anyway.

So I have been talking to a guy from college, not anything about a relationship, just conversation. After thinking about it A LOT, I decided that I would invite him over last night to hang out. Though I felt like I was betraying my ex and almost backed out, I had an amazingly good time!

My lil bro, the inspector of the men in my life, loved him! That was a plus too. My brother is tired of seeing me hurt and wants me to move on. Everyone else in my family wants me to move on too. All except my dad who has become close to best friends with him since his divorce. Hell, he spends more time with him and talks to him more than I do! But my father does not realize that it had become them and not us. And that is not what I want in my life.

I am happy that I had a nice time with someone else. I think that I just might have proven to myself that I am better than the bullshit I have put up with lately. If my ex wants his break he can have it and he can deal with whatever happens during that break. It was his decision in the first place. All of us have to learn to live with our choices. Maybe now is his turn!

Until Then,


Expectations of a Psycho

I have a new found sense of being okay lately. It seems that I have had enough time without outsiders to think about the direction of my life and what it is to become. I have made my life everything that it is. My decisions have put me where I am at this point.

I have stepped back and searched inside of me as to why I am going through a custody battle with a man who is a stranger to my daughter. I have seen that it is beyond my control and accepted that my daughter needs to know her father to find herself later in life. She will have to learn on her own time who he is. In the end, she will know that I love her and that I am here no matter the feelings or reason she has doubts.

I can only protect her from so much. Life experiences, good and bad, will be something that she has to go through. I get chills thinking that he is ripping away a piece of innocence from a four year old child. But I have to realize that I lay down with him and had a child and that child deserves to know where she came from.

I never, until recently, had a good relationship with my father. I felt the impact of this throughout my life. And my daughter, doesn't even have a father around. This is partially my fault. I didn't keep him away, but I had a child with him. I did not understand just how much she would suffer because of that.

I should have went after him in the beginning. I should have forced him to pay child support and sign over his rights. I felt, at the time, that if he was gone out of our lives not calling a hundred times a day or beating me, that we were better off. Yet, now I know that this was a futile mistake. I let eveidence go and tried as hard as I could to forget about him. I made sure to never speak his name and keep little trinkets for when the conversation about him occurred. (Which I estimated to be 12)

I had no idea at four he would try to rip her from everything that she has ever known. This was something that I should have expected from him.

Until Then,




You thought that you could make me jump through hoops and I would crack under pressure. Buy you under estimate a mother. Since I passed your little hair follicle test, you can take your fake ass lies about drug use and shove them up your ass!

Face it, I am better than you! I do not run away from my problems and obligations! I stand up and face them head on SOBER!!!! I tried to tell you that you were wasting your money and time. You could have bought your daughter something!!

I jumped through your hoops and proved to myself that you do NOT run my life anymore. You are a pitiful excuse for a man and a father! Have fun jumping through my hoops now! Because you won't make it through all of them.

Your mistakes will consume you and you will be sorry that you ever brought all of this on. I am an educated and successful woman and you are a sorry excuse of a little boy who will be exposed. I can't wait until our day in court! You will be so ashamed!


Until Then,


Just a write while soothing my soul to tunes

When you are lost and I look for you I get lost too. I miss the way that we used to be. We were one, a whole. Together the moon and stars were not too far away. Love was a word that we used to use, not anymore. I lost sight of who we were and why we were that way. I miss the old me that I was before you came.

When the moon shines at night, I sit and think about how once you made me so whole and leave me so empty. I am struck with sadness. The tears are hard to hold back and the lump in my throat is hard to swallow. These feelings are not because I miss you, but because I failed myself. I gave you too much of me and left nothing for myself, so when it was time for me to walk away, I had to hold on because that was all I had.

How could I think that someone like me would ever last with someone like you? Your life is far from what I want mine to be. Foolishly, I believed somehow, deep down, I would be able to compromise.

How childish that was. To change who I am for you defies the whole point of my being. Who I have become has been through learning that I should make myself happy not someone else. Yet, I let my feelings take the backseat so I could try and make you happy. Now I know, and deep down knew all along, that there was no way to make you happy. You are not happy with yourself, so you can't be happy with anyone else.

I lost myself for a while. Now, I am walking away so I can grasp hold of me and what's right for everyone. You chose to drag me along and I do not blame you, I let you do it. Now, I am leaving with a smile knowing that you will be just as miserable with me gone as when I was there and I will be happier because I do love myself.

I do not want anything bad for you, or to cause you pain. That is what makes me a bigger person than you. I will however, not feel bad when the next girl does the same thing to you that you did to me. Karma is a bitch, and you will learn that on God's time.

Until Then,


I like today

It seems like every day I get a little more out of my shell. I am talking more, writing more, and most importantly, smiling more. I have began to think of my situation as a good thing. My daughter is making strides in therapy. I am opening up mentally and a top college is seeking me.

I am blessed in a strange way. My downfalls in life hust might be my gift. Recognizing this could be a very positive thing in my life. My advisor's advice on starting a blog and writing everyday seems to be a great thing as well.

Everyday I log in and see more followers. It makes me feel like in some way I am impacting lives. Positive thinking is making everything a little better and the sun peek through the clouds.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog! You are sure to get some good blogs with smile I am sporting. I have my thinking cap on!

Until Then,

I Wonder

I sit here today wondering if who I am is ok. I have worked very hard to get to the point I am at, but do other people see this? I wonder if they just look at me and think I give only fifty percent. I never want to be thought of in that way, but could it possibly be that is what people see?

I realize that there are some people who believe that they are God's gift. These people will always look through a magnifying glass at anyone who walks by. Not just me, but every other poor soul that has to walk in that direction.

I go to college everyday eager to learn. Education has come to be something that I value. I believe that it is something every person must hold to be a well rounded person. My favorite professor had taught me not to speak unless you know what you are speaking about, and that has made me think about my stand on everything in my life.

I raise a four year old on my own, which had gave me more pride than I ever imagined possible. I am happy to be able to call her my own. I have strived in helping her get ahead in life. I have also worked toward making her aware that education is important and you always can reach your goals no matter your situation.

Yet I can't help but wonder if I have done everything I can in life to make everyone around me see who I have become. There was a time in my life where I was at the bottom. I spent a lot of time thinking that I was better than everyone else and being angry at the world. My teen years were a very hard time for me.

But today I have moved on from this. I have changed my outlook on life tried to understand what led me to the place I was. I have since changed my views and realized that it was me that had the problem and not the world. Though this was a hard thing to swallow, I feel that it has made a huge positive impact on my life.

When life gets rough for me, I keep telling myself that it will get better. That I have crawled from the bottom, and as long as I have something to loose, it could get worse. This philosophy, of sorts, has made at least a break in the clouds. I have bit my tongue and persevered making my way through all that has been thrown my way.

I am a survivor, I just question who really sees it or, for that matter, wants to.

Until Then,


Life Lessons

Life's lessons, a cruel punishment that all must go through to become a well rounded individual. Hurt, anxiety, happiness, pain, love, hate; just a few of the rock hard emotions that you must feel to stand strong in the end. No one enjoys these things, at least not most of them, but it is something that has to be done to understand the next things that life has to throw our way.

Many people try to float their way through life being unattached with the worldly things thinking that they can dodge the painful bullets of Life lessons. But eventually they are brought back down to earth with a blow of pain and fury.

You don't even understand that it is a lesson until far down the road when there is no changing the past. You look back and are ready to fix it, but there is nothing that can be done.
When do you walk away from something and call it a Life Lesson? Is there a boundary or imaginary line you cross to consider this? Take for instance a relationship gone wrong and wanting to fix it. Does this contend to be a life lesson, or is it something you should try with all your heart to make a reality and write a new ending to the story?

How long does someone have to be rejected before they go and never even look back? And is everyone strong enough to get through the same things or is it really that only the strong survive?

Who really is the one to answer these questions for an individual? Do they just each do things their own way or do they seek guidance from a close friend or family member?

I guess in the end each situation should stand on its own and not intend on any one answer working for them. But when do you just say good-bye, call it a wash and add it to the list of many life lessons that we all end up having?

Hell, does anyone really even know that? Not until it really isn't the center and main focus of our lives. But I guess blogging about it makes it all a little better, huh? ;P

Until Then,

The beginning of my summer

My mother had needed a place to stay since she had left my dad and I had let her stay with me. I just couldn't take my mother being out on the street. I took advatage of having her around and spent some time with friends on weekends. I needed a break anyway.

While being out with friends on a Friday evening and my mother watching my daughter, my ex caught her outside and introduced himself. This is what he told a four year old who really didn't even grasp what a dad was. We had yet to talk about him. She had never asked.

He introduced himself as her dad. He told her that he was there when she was born and that he named her (I name her by the way). He also told her that he had toys and candy at his house if she would like to go there. She declined and he left.

When she woke up the next morning she was blunt about what happened. She said that she had met her dad while playing outside yesterday. I told her that she must have been mistaken. She said no and told me his name and said that he had tried to get her in his car with candy. She said that he told her he had games and makeup for her and there were other kids for her to play with there. She said she didn't go because she knew from the books I had bought her that she shouldn't go with anyone that offers candy. (When he thretaened me long ago to kidnap her I purchased those)

I was shocked. My jaw was at the floor and all I could see was red. How in the hell do you approach a four year old and casually tell her you are her father when HAVE NEVER EVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER? Never one birthday, Christmas, or any other holiday. That piece of shit never did anything but stalk me! `

The son of a bitch followed me when I ran to a different state to get away from him because he always set outside my window after I wised up. (Never asked about his daughter) Then when I refused to be a victim after two and a half years and quit hiding in my house and went to college, he was kicked off campus for stalking me. (Never asked about his daughter) Then I moved to the back of the apartments when he kept screaming at me and following me. (Never asked about his daughter)

Never once during this time did he ever ask about MY daughter or try to see her. Last time I had a conversation with him, when my daughter was little he said he would go to prison before he ever payed for her. Even called her a bitch and said he hoped she died. He never gave a dime. He even got married and claimed her kids but not mine. AND THEY ARE NOT EVEN HIS KIDS!!!!!!!!

Then he goes and just does this shit? He is a bastard! A sorry excuse for a life now he has my daughter questioning things neither of us were ready for her? Because of his actions I had to tell her he was a stranger. Because strangers kidnap children and he already tried. But for what was to come I had maybe said the wrong thing.

Until then

I will post more on this subject later. I have rewritten this over and over but it so hard to write on it. I am trying to get it out, therapy says it will help. I apologoze if this is hard to comprehend

My Take on Guys in the World Today

What is the deal with all the guys in the world today? Do they think that they can do and say anything they want to you then at a drop of a dime come running back? Maybe they think that way because most girls (at least the ones I have met) will do whatever to not be alone. I can definitely say that I am a strong women. I speak my mind and offend many but I am going to tell you exactlt how it is. NO SUGAR COATING ANYTHING. Like the time one of my friends asked me how she looked in these hideous jeans. Of course I said that her ass was way too big for a size 5. She asked! And like when my ex asked me to let him have a little break to get his shit together. See ya dumbass! I firmly believe that he is the one at a loss. I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful personality, and beautiful eyes and smile. What did he have? A hairy back and a problem with honesty. I guess that is what you get when you date a car salesman. A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. But it is all good because I am ready for whatever life has to throw my way. I have attracted nothing but losers from the beginning of my dating. At one time it made me wonder if I should find me a beautiful lady. (Don't make that face...EVERY WOMAN SECRETLY WANTS TO PLAY AROUND WITH ANOTHER AT LEAST ONCE!) I am happy that I decided not to because I got a beautiful daughter out of it who has rays of light beaming from her everyday. She is the light of mot only my life but her granparents as well. I am a single mom and at times that is hard but sometimes I look at it as getting to be selfish with all the accomplishments and it being ok. But back to my reason to writing this. Do guys actually think that women are going to put up with everything that they give them? I won't. Men, what is the definition of being a man anyway? You hold down a job and have your own nasty ass pad? No man's life is even sanitary without a woman. Hell half of them won't even bathe unless the know they are going to get to bust one later. And half the time men don't even do that right, us women are left hanging after giving our best performance of a "fake out." For those of you who aren't fimiliar with women sang that would be an orgasm. Men think they are superior to women. Why? because they have a few more inches between their legs than us? Because the can grow back hair? Look at us women having baby's, carrying around 10 pounds of boobs our whole adult lifes, and keeping our houses clean regardless of if we are getting laid or not. Yet we still do not think we are superior. But, what can you do with men? Nothing. You can only live with them, or if your lucky live without them. What a pity.

Until Then,

My View On Love

Most people today spend a great deal of their lives trying to find "the one." Just when you think your search is over, things seem to pop up. Little things here and there start to make you question if your significant other is truly the one. If it would all be better off over now, instead of dragging it out.

Is this how it is? Do they understand me? Some of us expereince these questions at one time or another in every realtionship. Should they be brushed aside? Who is even right in an argument? Do you both have the same questions after an argument?

I believe that sometimes one party believes that they are right; only to be wrong. This is due to the thought they had in thier head that they were right, they can never understand just how wrong they are.

Sometimes people compare you to past relationships. Not truly meaning too, but that is what they do. They have become insecure in trusting the opposit sex, and themselves with a blind eye. They look at you with intensity and meaning in their eyes, but they have a wall, a wall that is invisible to them. One that has been their so long they don't see it anymore. It has become, sort of, a security blanket. This makes everything in a new realtionship look back to the past. Though only one of you went through it, you both are forced to relive it.

Then, there is those people who let their past realtionships go. The past is the past. You went through it, it is over. You don't see yourself comparing your new and past relationships. Everyday and everyone you meet gets their own page. When a chapter is closed it is gone. It was bad enough you went through it once. Relive nothing.

Taking a step back and looking at the pieces you see, then maybe you can sympathize to the other party involved. They don't realize, they don't understand. But shouldn't they understand and know all of this before "I Love You" is ever said? Then the other party starts to question the "I Love You" all together. Does this mean that they love you only if you change, or they love half of you? Do they even know what love means?

I have experienced what I would call a 'moderate' amount of bullshit. I have read through the lines many times before and I take things for what they are worth. I have come to one realization you never know what you are getting into, but if you ride it out long enough YOU WILL KNOW when to walk away. Sometimes people are pig headed and hateful, but you have to let everyone have their way occasionally. This does not mean I believe and taking being mistreated, it is more of a way of saying you know deep down when you should walk away.

Does I love you mean the same thing to them as it does to you? 99% of the time no. Most people don't truly know what love is. Sure everyone thinks they know, but they truly don't. Maybe they really do think they love you. I have found out if they don't trust you (which is shown through actions, and lied through words), then they they don't truly love you. Maybe they car about you as much as they think they can. But love is not they word they should be using. I love you are three words that are misinterpreted more than any others.

Being in love and ending your journey with the right one is a wonderful thing, but more of us will be at the starting line in the very end. Very few people will have made it to the finish and stay there. It is a sad fact, but it is true. Not everyone has a fairytale life. True love is out there, but it takes work and half of us would just hang up the phone, shut the door, or never look back.

Until Then,

Older Writing about an ex

Times are so rough now preparing for war. Getting ready to say goodbye for what seems like an eternity. A year, that seems like forever. After finding a love strong and bold, being struck with such a long goodbye makes it seem unfair. Why does my soldier have to be the one called to go yet again. Why does he have a second time and so many don't even go? Why is goodbye so hard?

He makes me strong and completes me. He pushes me to greatness and holds me up. He is there for me on nights when no one else is. And now he has to go away, where I can't be there to do the same for him. I can't protect him from harm, or hold his hand. I can't kiss his cheek and look into his eyes. I have to say good-bye, appear strong, and shed less tears.

My life bagan when I met him. It was a summer afternoon, the air smelled fresh and my heart skipped a beat. I remember looking into his eyes for the first time and feeling that special connection. He gave me a feeling I had never felt before. I knew then we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Everyday my feelings grow stronger. Even without him here, the memories we share make me love him more. He gives me so much in life I never have had. He makes it okay to be me.

Now I face a goodbye of unexplainable bounds. I have to say goodbye and make it good enough that if he doesn't come home he will know how much I love him. I have to let him know how he makes me melt in his arms and how his love could move mountains for me.

How is it even possible to do this? I am not sure, but I do know that when I say goodbye and start my waiting, I will never give up hope that the next day I wake up he will walk through that door and everything will be over. I will never once stop thinking that he is the one for me and waiting is the least of it.

If I knew for sure that he would come home, I wouldn't cry as much. But I know he will be in harms way being a hero for so many. His head always up. I know how strong he will be. I know how much courage he holds. I know he is like a rock. I know he will fight until his last breath to come home to me. And I know that coming home can't be promised .

Until Then,

Just a post

Well today I am not feeling the best, so you will be getting a blog about the day without proof reading.

My ex boyfriend stops by today to see what is happening. I am hungry and I ask him if he wants to go get something to eat. We eneded up sharing a meal like old times. Why in the world can we have so much fun together and not be together.

I have never stopped loving him, but after four months of trying to win him back when we were supposed to be just friends I gave up. I mean, why bother? It hurts so bad to have him come by and spend the night and then have him wake up to leave and expect me not to call.

Why in the world does he even come over anymore? It is mixed emotions for me, but I gave up on us. I quit calling and trying to do everything right because I just gave so much that I had nothing to give anymore.

Now that I am getting used to be alone, he waltzes in. I just don't understand why. We were together for a year and he never said I love you. One time he said he thought he might and recanted the statement the next day.

I am confused now why he came back. I have all these emotions that I am trying to forget and everytime he comes back I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like he does it just to hurt me. I feel like I lose control when he comes.

Does he have feeling for me still? Is this his slow way of having me around? Does he just want to move on? Should I just be his friend?

These are all questions that I am searching the answer for. I am not sure if I will find out anytime soon, but I do know that I do not want to be anyone's toy again.

Until Then,

*Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and blog a good one for you guys......

Giving birth

I had went into labor since numerous times over the last eight months. Luckily the doctor was able to stop it. I have never been more scared and sad. I have a boyfriend who hates me, and I do not know why. He says that I need learn my place. I have been trying but I am not sure where I belong anymore.

Fat is a word I never want to hear again. Yes, my stomach is getting bigger everyday but I have only gained 12 pounds the entire time from all the weight I lost everywhere else. I don't like being called fat or the other names I hear daily.

My mother has had to take off a lot lately to get me to the doctors. My boyfriend is always late or drunk and there is no way I am riding with someone who has been partying. He seems to not care about me or the baby at all.

I haven't had sex with him for months now. I am no longer attracted to him. I just don't think that he is faher material anymore, but I am staying in it for our daughter. Maybe once she comes he will change.

She has kicked for months now and he hasn't been interested once. She has the hiccups a lot too. I am so ready for her to come. The doctor has sent me to the ER because I have been dilated 4 cm for a few weeks now and am completely efaced. I am so ready for this moment.

I have my room completely decorated for her. She has Lilac walls with Princess pink Trim and huge Winnie the Pooh stickers on the wall. I have tons of clothes and all Winnie the Pooh furniture. Her father is yet to buy a thing besides a yellow rubber duck. His mother has filled a basket with things for her. Other than those items, it has all came from my family and myself. But it is not a contest on who can buy her the most, I am just curious if he will love her as much as me.

I am dilating quickly with the Petocin. It has only been a couple hours and I almost ready to push. Everyone has been bickering over who would be here so I just let everyone come. I wanted my mother but didn't have the heart to deny my boyfriend.

There are seven people, including myself, who are anxious to see what she will look like. I have opted to give her my last name. Which has upset my boyfriend and his family, but I look at it as she needs the same last name as her mother. This is one thing that I am putting my foot down on.

A million things have been running through my head when the doctor says it is time. With my mom holding one leg, his mom holding the other, and my boyfriend almost falling asleep (NO JOKE IT IS ON TAPE) I give birth to a 5 lb. 9.5 oz. babygirl. She is the most precious thing I have ever seen! Everything is brighter! I am elated.

A few hours after she was born, the nurse came in with some papers for the father to sign. She tells us that this is so he can legally be on the birth certificate. The next few paragraphs are as vivid as movie. I know everything that was said word for word almost five years later.

He read through the papers and on the back was something for child support. I was later told this was for if I ever wanted to get child support from him. They said he couldn't deny that he was the father. He was dead set that I had that paper put in.

He refused to sign the papers. My mother said don't let him that this is the final straw. She said we would be better off without him. Against her advice, I kept at him to please sign them. I kept telling him that I did not want my baby to not have a father. Little did I know, this was a huge mistake.

He signed the papers and then started yelling that I was out to take his money and he didn't have the money for a baby, he was having too much trouble fixing his truck to pay for one. He started ranting and raving and threw a lighter across the room which exploded and almost hit the baby. He got in my face and said he would kill us both if he had to.

That is when I pushed the call button. As the nurse came over the system I said I need somoene now and they must have heard it in my voice because in fifteen seconds she was there. As tears were rolling down my face and my newborn was screaming I said please just make him leave. As he walked out he ripped up the papers and threw them in my face.

The nurse kept asking if me and the baby were okay and I said yes. I let her know that we were fine as long as he was gone. She told me about domestic violence classes that the hospital offered.
About an hour later the door swung open to a ranting boyfriend. He grabbed me and said he wasn't leaving, there was nothing I could do. He plopped on the bed and I grabbed the phone and the baby and ran into the bathroom.
I called my mother and told her what was going on. She told me to push the call button in the bathroom and I did. A nurse came in and seen him back. He was escorted out of the room by security. This time the nurse said she wouldn't leave until my mother got there.
About an hour later my mother came and stayed with me. I was allowed no more visitors without them first checking in at the nurses station and presenting an ID. I vowed then to never take anymore abuse. I wasn't going to live like this. My daughter wouldn't either. But I gave him one more chance before it was over completely.
Until Then,

Held Captive

I just knew that it would be okay to forgive and forget. We were having a baby and I didn't want my child to have the same feelings I felt towards men. After all, it was my fault for pushing his buttons. I should have been more understanding and listened to what he had to say.

It had been three weeks since the last incodent. He promised me that he just lost it from the pressure and he would never touch me like that again. Since then he has treated me like a queen. He has went above and beyond my expectations.

Just when I was comfortable with him again and sure that we had worked past whatever issues that we had, it happened again. It was a Thursday night. His parents were sleeping and we were hanging in the basement playing our favorite game Scattegories.

Lately I had been overly hungry. I guess it was the preganacy. I decided that I was going to go get something to eat. He told me not to get up he would fix me something and grab a movie for us to watch. Sounded good to me. I flipped on the television and started watching Roseanne.

It wasn't long before my boyfriend returned with two bowls of salad, a bottle of redwine vinegar, and the movie Green Mile. He popped in the DVD and set the bowls on the table. He sat down beside me and picked up one of the bowls. He insisted on me trying red wine vinegar on my salad. I delclined not realizing just how big of mistake I had just made.

A salad bowl flew in my face breaking as it hit the ground. Blood trickled out of my nose. I jumped up and screamed obsenities as tears ran down my face and I tasted blood. I was slammed to the ground as I screamed I was pregnant. We wrestled for what seemed like an eternity before I broke loose and started to run up the steps.

I was five or six steps up when he grabbed the back of my shirt ripping it and sending me crashing onto the cement floor. I ran for the phone and dialed 911 as he ripped the cord from the wall. He grabbed a broom and sit down at the bottom of the steps as he rambled on about me learning respect one way or the other. Everytime I would get close and try to get up the steps he would slap me across the face with the broom.

I pleaded with him for four hours to let me go home. He kept screaming to me about knowing I was cheating and the baby wasn't his. I kept telling him I loved him and that I was pregnant and I could lose the baby if he kept doing this to me.

He started crying and dropped his face into his hands as the broom rested against the steps. I knew this was my chance to get away. I took off at a dead run and flew up the steps. I made it to the top, flung the door open, and kept running. As I made it to the hallway he grabbed me and started banging my head against the wall over and over. He was screaming, but to this day, I have no idea what he was saying.

Pictures that lined the hallway were crashing down. His mom came flying out of her room in her night gown. She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and threw him on the bed in his room. She strated asking questions as I was gasping for air. He hit me is all I could manage to get out.

Her eyes were blazing as she started screaming at him. I remember her saying if you like hitting women so much then let's see how you like this as she was striking him in the face. He never once tried to hit her back. Blood was running out his nose, he had a knot on his temple, and she was not stopping. I took off out the door and started running for home.

I got about half a block away when he ran up behind me. He was begging me not to tell. Saying he loved me and it would never happen again. I kept going and said my dad will kill you when he finds out.

He followed me all the way to my driveway. I ran inside crying and said he hit me and he is out there. My mother flew out the door ad went after him. My dad was cleaning me up as my mom came back in the door and started calming me down.

About thirty minutes later my uncle knocked on the door and asked what was going on at my boyfriend's house. He said there was two firetrucks three police cars and an ambulance. I took off out the door and ran to his house.

As I got there, he was being put into the back of the ambulance. No one would tell me anything. I seen his mom on the porch and ran up to her asking what had happened. She told me that he had took a bottle of sleeping pills and my heart sank. She said I needed to get the rest of my things that were at the house and it was best if I didn't get back with him. She said that he would only hurt me and the baby.

I gathered the few things that I had there and went home. I was scared to death that he was going to die and it would be my fault. All he had wanted was for me to try some red wine vinegar. This could have all been avoided if I would have just tried it.

He called the next morning from the hospital. His stomach had been pumped and he was okay. He was talking about counseling and getting better. I was suprised that he was ready to get help. I told him that after he started going, that I would consider giving him another chance. I just didn't know how stupid that decision was.

Until Then,

from pregnant to beaten

This is my story. I lived through it and am determined to tell it to anyone that it may help. If you have ever been a victim or are a victim of abuse, I hope my stories can help you. I do not want your memories to be as vivid as your scars like mine are. Feel free to comment!

It is a nice Tuesday afternoon. The air is fresh in February. I like how the air is crisp and wind gentle. I set out to walk a block to my beloved boyfriend's house. We have been dating for five months now and I feel so comfortable with him. I owe him the world because of his kind hand when I walked away from the drug scene. He has been so sweet and caring. I could never ask for anything more.

When I arrive at his house he is playing X-box waiting on me. As soon as I get there he greets me with a kiss that makes me feel those familiar butterflies in my stomach. I could live like this forever! I don't know what I did in life to deserve him, but I am glad that I did it.

After a few games of Scattegories, our favorite game, we decide to walk back to my house and take a nap. As we walk, hands inner-laced, mt heart beats rapidly. I have never felt like this for anyone and the passed week I just have all these overwhelming feelings for him. I just know that one day we will be married.

We arrive at my house and crawl into bed for a restful nap. Days off work are so enjoyable with such good company. I fall alseep with my head on his chest in munutes. It is just so easy to get comfortable in his arms.

An hour later I awake with the worst stomach cramps I think I have ever had. I wake him and tell him that I am not feeling well. He holds my hair back as I start to throw up in the trash can beside my bed. I stay doubled over in pain crying for forty-five minutes until he says he is calling my mother.

My mother arrives at the house about thirty minutes later. She is panicky in situations that she has no control over. I can here in her voice that she thinks something is wrong. I tell her that I think I have food poisoning and I need to go to ther doctors. We are in route to the doctors office in less than five minutes.

When we arrive at the doctors there is no wait. I am crying like a child and walking on my tippie-toes from the pain. Lab is drawn from me and I am given pain medication to subdue the pain until they can figure out what is wrong with me.

Thirty minutes after the lab work was done, I am moved to another room. Everyone with me is asked to wait outside. The doctor doesn't take long to walk in. He sits down and looks me in the eye and asks me if I have had unprotected sex. I am appauled by being asked this. I tell him it is none of his business.

The doctor looks at me and says, "You're pregnant."

What!? No way! I burst into tears and say I am not ready. He lets me know that this is a little late to be thinking about things like that and that there is a possibility that I could have a tubal pregnancy. I am set up with an appointment later in the afternoon for my first ultrasound.

I walk out of the doctor's office in disbelief. My mother and boyfriend want to know what the doctor's decided was wrong. I was not sure how to let it out, but it came out. In a fast, loud way.

I had never seen a bigger smile on my boyfriend's face as when I said those words. He was elated! I was uneasy about the whole thing. I loved children and my boyfriend and pictured one day us having children. But at that exact moment, I wasn't sure if I could be a good mom.

A few hours later I was on my way to my ultrasound. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. I wasn't sure about what type of mother I would be, but I was quickly warming up to the idea.

Hand in hand my boyfriend and I walked into the ultrasound room eager to see what we would find. I was prepped ans the technician quickly pointed out a small blinking light that was the heartbeat. It was as small as pencil lead. For such a small thing it sure was making me feel a lot. Never did I expect that feelig a whole lot was what was going to happen for the rest of my pregnancy.

That night, after I went to sleep, I was awoken by a very beligerent boyfriend. He had a look in his eyes that I had never seen. I was confused. I had just woken up from a deep sleep to some pshycho yelling about me pissing him off.

What could I have done? I began crying and rolled over in the bed. I had no idea what was going on or why it was. That is when he set my hair on fire with a lighter. I began slapping my head and trying to get up screaming for help. I was thrown to the ground five times before I grabbed a candle and threw it at him.

All the commotion woke up my parents and they came running. My boyfriend ran out and my parents called 911. I had mixed emotions when the cops came. I though he might have been drunk or high. This wasn't like him at all. The policeman took some pictures and filed a report. that is all he said he could do.

I spent the next three house in the sink of my bathroom glued to the mirror. I could make out his handprints in my chest. He had pushed me down so hard, that I had two perfect hands on my chest above my breasts. I wondered why he hadn't called, but why would he? I knew we could get past this, at least for the baby, right? I was blind to the pain I would further endure at his hands for giving him another chance.

Until Next Time