Will you revisit my blog?

I am writing this letter because I feel obligated to be the bigger person. Though you know I blog, you never cared. Though I can rest assured that it is out there and if you want to find it, you will. For some reason, that makes me feel better.

You left me nine months ago. You left slowly but nine months ago, you were gone. Gave up on me in a time of need. Just walked away. You popped back in a few times for a few months. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have to. In fact, I would have washed my hands of myself completely.

After my car was smashed into a tree at a hundred and twenty, you were there. My whole life changed. I realized the mistakes I made and fixed them. You were always in the background telling me to keep changing back into who I was, but I could never reach your standards.

For the last few months I have became distant from you. I tried every way possible to show my sincerity, to no avail. You kept saying change you. Well I did, I am in a spot now where I am on top again. My goals and aspirations are even bigger than they were before and my motivation is amazing.

I asked you to work with me but you always said you were not the one who needed the work. I tried to explain that, in my mind, it couldn't work unless we worked on us too. You would have none of that.

The past couple of months, you have made me feel like I was worthless. You came around and was nice until I met your needs, and then you would bash me into the ground and leave until the next time. I believed in us enough to give it a chance. I kept trying.

My phone calls became unanswered. It got to the point to where you would not even call me back. I was starting to get the hint then, but I wanted to give it another shot. I let this go on for a while. It wasn't until it got to the point where I was crying every time we talked that I started to wonder why I put up with it.

The jokes about my weight and huffing when I would want to eat at nine was ridiculous. The comments about my medication was uncalled for. The waltzing in and out and only thinking about yourself was wrong.

If every time I do anything I have to second guess myself, then I don't need to be where I am. You made me feel so uncomfortable, used, and unwanted that I lost interest. The constant get off of me when I tried to love on you and the pushing away I put up with for as long as I could.

I know you would be happy for it to continue the way it has. Never progressing, saying that it would take time. It all got to me. In nine months it has gotten worse every month and I am supposed to keep trying? Why?

I don't deserve this. I made mistakes and it is fine if you chose to leave. But to treat my heart like it was nothing, was mean and hateful. I will not be degraded to the standards you think of me. I have my whole life ahead of me and a path that leads me to anywhere I want to go.

The one thing that hurts the most, is that I let you into my daughter's life. She thought the world of you and you were a positive male role model in her life. Now, she is just another kid to you. Somehow, I think that you are on the short end of the stick.

When you can pull your head out of your ass and see what you do as well as the people around, that you are so critical of, you will see that you are no better than me. I don't care who comes out on top or who is happier with this. I walk away satisfied that I made the right decision.

I never have to feel that I am not sexy and appealing. I never have to feel that I can't have a cigarette or a drink at five. I never have to feel that my decisions are the wrong ones because they are not exactly what you would have chosen. I never have to feel that I am less than what I should be. And I never have to feel like I am alone when someone is sitting right next to me.

I walk away. There is no more how are you doing. There are no more memories. The ones I have are tainted with who you turned into. The bitterness that you possess is something I do not want in my life. I want to walk away and be happy. I am in a happy point in my life and want to enjoy it. I cannot do that with you any longer. You hurt me to bad. And one day I hope to hear I am sorry from you. Though I do not want you to think I believe that you owe me something. I promise you, you have given me enough.

Until Then


Melissa Mashburn said...

I got a lot out of reading this letter. It echoed many of my own feelings.

arlee bird said...

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Let me know what you think about what I've said.


Blondie said...

Thanx for the comments. I am glad you connected. And I am checking out the blog next.

Until Then

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