Hey everyone, but you guys never thought you'd hear from me again! Well I started a new blog and I hope that you guys will take the time to read it. It's a Blog all about the little pieces of my life that make me me. A lot of things have changed and I really hope you'll check it out. And most of all I hope you enjoy it! It's been way too long since I written anything and I missed you guys!!!
Head on over to www.piecesofblondie.blogspot.com
Sunscribe and tell your friends! I will ne posting regularly and would live feedback and comments!!
Until Then
~Blondie
Operations
I was quickly seen by an oncologist after finding out that I had cancer. I had a biopsy. It quickly came back positive and surgery was planned. I sat in my hospital bed thinking if the good bye before my surgery would be the last one I would be giving my daughter.
Being a single parent was something I had pride in and now it was my greatest fear. Where would she go? Who would take care of her? What path would she choose in life? Who would protect her like me? Tears were running down my face as I thought of all the if's.
Then a miraculous thing happened. A ten year old girl named Holly was rolled in the room I was in. She was waiting for her surgery as well. She was eager to talk. She had a twinkle in her eye when she asked me what was my diagnosis.
I told her I had cervical cancer and had to have surgery. She said that she had cancer too. She showed me a bunny that had a button for an eye and its ear held on with a safety pin. She said his name was comfort. She said that was the only one in the whole world who knew all her secrets.
As slow as hospitals are, we got in a life changing conversation. She asked me lots of questions. She asked me if I hurt all the time and I told her no. Her response was that she had terrible pain. She said that she couldn't tell anyone about the pain because it made her mom cry. She said that Comfort got his ear ripped off after her last surgery when her pain was bad.
She then told me that she had one more year to live. She didn't cry or sniffle. She just moved on to her next question for me. How long do you have? I looked at her with tears in my eyes and a lumo in my throat and said a little longer. She talked like a grown educated woman. She was well mannered and adorable. Soon after that last question she was wheeled to surgery.
As I lay in that bed waiting for my turn in the operating room, I lay there thinking of how such a young girl who was told she was going to die was doing so well. She would go without telling anyone she hurt so her mom would feel better. She was so selfless in her actions.
And here I sat, worried if I would be okay. Worrying about me when every doctor had told me I just needed surgery and it would be over. And I was treating it like tomorrow may not come.
I was eventually sedated. I woke up cancer free. I could leave in a few hours. It was over. A nurse came to my bedside and told me there was someone who wanted to see me. It was Holly. She looked so battered. She came to make sure I made it okay. Her words were a whisper as she told me she hoped to see me again.
I went home that night and in a week was fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. But I did go visit Holly three more times before she passed. We talked about her pain and heaven. She told me that angels have no pain. She told me when it hurt and I would get a nurse. As far as she knew her mom never knew her pain.
She told me she wasn't afraid to die. She was afraid for her mom when she was gone. She wasn't sure if she would be okay. Holly was more to me than just someone I met; she was an inspiration to reach for the stars. According to her, that is where she is.
Her mom is doing better. I have visited and shared e-mails and stories with her sabout her daughter. She knows that it takes a special person to make a special person like Holly. She knows that she inspired me to look at the bright sides and to know when to worry for others and not myself.
Holly will always be a part of my life even though she is gone. I know that I met her for a reason and will treasure that for the rest of my life. She was an inspiration to more people than just me I am sure.
Until Then
Blondie
Being a single parent was something I had pride in and now it was my greatest fear. Where would she go? Who would take care of her? What path would she choose in life? Who would protect her like me? Tears were running down my face as I thought of all the if's.
Then a miraculous thing happened. A ten year old girl named Holly was rolled in the room I was in. She was waiting for her surgery as well. She was eager to talk. She had a twinkle in her eye when she asked me what was my diagnosis.
I told her I had cervical cancer and had to have surgery. She said that she had cancer too. She showed me a bunny that had a button for an eye and its ear held on with a safety pin. She said his name was comfort. She said that was the only one in the whole world who knew all her secrets.
As slow as hospitals are, we got in a life changing conversation. She asked me lots of questions. She asked me if I hurt all the time and I told her no. Her response was that she had terrible pain. She said that she couldn't tell anyone about the pain because it made her mom cry. She said that Comfort got his ear ripped off after her last surgery when her pain was bad.
She then told me that she had one more year to live. She didn't cry or sniffle. She just moved on to her next question for me. How long do you have? I looked at her with tears in my eyes and a lumo in my throat and said a little longer. She talked like a grown educated woman. She was well mannered and adorable. Soon after that last question she was wheeled to surgery.
As I lay in that bed waiting for my turn in the operating room, I lay there thinking of how such a young girl who was told she was going to die was doing so well. She would go without telling anyone she hurt so her mom would feel better. She was so selfless in her actions.
And here I sat, worried if I would be okay. Worrying about me when every doctor had told me I just needed surgery and it would be over. And I was treating it like tomorrow may not come.
I was eventually sedated. I woke up cancer free. I could leave in a few hours. It was over. A nurse came to my bedside and told me there was someone who wanted to see me. It was Holly. She looked so battered. She came to make sure I made it okay. Her words were a whisper as she told me she hoped to see me again.
I went home that night and in a week was fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. But I did go visit Holly three more times before she passed. We talked about her pain and heaven. She told me that angels have no pain. She told me when it hurt and I would get a nurse. As far as she knew her mom never knew her pain.
She told me she wasn't afraid to die. She was afraid for her mom when she was gone. She wasn't sure if she would be okay. Holly was more to me than just someone I met; she was an inspiration to reach for the stars. According to her, that is where she is.
Her mom is doing better. I have visited and shared e-mails and stories with her sabout her daughter. She knows that it takes a special person to make a special person like Holly. She knows that she inspired me to look at the bright sides and to know when to worry for others and not myself.
Holly will always be a part of my life even though she is gone. I know that I met her for a reason and will treasure that for the rest of my life. She was an inspiration to more people than just me I am sure.
Until Then
Blondie
I am writing this letter because I feel obligated to be the bigger person. Though you know I blog, you never cared. Though I can rest assured that it is out there and if you want to find it, you will. For some reason, that makes me feel better.
You left me nine months ago. You left slowly but nine months ago, you were gone. Gave up on me in a time of need. Just walked away. You popped back in a few times for a few months. I don't blame you for leaving. I would have to. In fact, I would have washed my hands of myself completely.
After my car was smashed into a tree at a hundred and twenty, you were there. My whole life changed. I realized the mistakes I made and fixed them. You were always in the background telling me to keep changing back into who I was, but I could never reach your standards.
For the last few months I have became distant from you. I tried every way possible to show my sincerity, to no avail. You kept saying change you. Well I did, I am in a spot now where I am on top again. My goals and aspirations are even bigger than they were before and my motivation is amazing.
I asked you to work with me but you always said you were not the one who needed the work. I tried to explain that, in my mind, it couldn't work unless we worked on us too. You would have none of that.
The past couple of months, you have made me feel like I was worthless. You came around and was nice until I met your needs, and then you would bash me into the ground and leave until the next time. I believed in us enough to give it a chance. I kept trying.
My phone calls became unanswered. It got to the point to where you would not even call me back. I was starting to get the hint then, but I wanted to give it another shot. I let this go on for a while. It wasn't until it got to the point where I was crying every time we talked that I started to wonder why I put up with it.
The jokes about my weight and huffing when I would want to eat at nine was ridiculous. The comments about my medication was uncalled for. The waltzing in and out and only thinking about yourself was wrong.
If every time I do anything I have to second guess myself, then I don't need to be where I am. You made me feel so uncomfortable, used, and unwanted that I lost interest. The constant get off of me when I tried to love on you and the pushing away I put up with for as long as I could.
I know you would be happy for it to continue the way it has. Never progressing, saying that it would take time. It all got to me. In nine months it has gotten worse every month and I am supposed to keep trying? Why?
I don't deserve this. I made mistakes and it is fine if you chose to leave. But to treat my heart like it was nothing, was mean and hateful. I will not be degraded to the standards you think of me. I have my whole life ahead of me and a path that leads me to anywhere I want to go.
The one thing that hurts the most, is that I let you into my daughter's life. She thought the world of you and you were a positive male role model in her life. Now, she is just another kid to you. Somehow, I think that you are on the short end of the stick.
When you can pull your head out of your ass and see what you do as well as the people around, that you are so critical of, you will see that you are no better than me. I don't care who comes out on top or who is happier with this. I walk away satisfied that I made the right decision.
I never have to feel that I am not sexy and appealing. I never have to feel that I can't have a cigarette or a drink at five. I never have to feel that my decisions are the wrong ones because they are not exactly what you would have chosen. I never have to feel that I am less than what I should be. And I never have to feel like I am alone when someone is sitting right next to me.
I walk away. There is no more how are you doing. There are no more memories. The ones I have are tainted with who you turned into. The bitterness that you possess is something I do not want in my life. I want to walk away and be happy. I am in a happy point in my life and want to enjoy it. I cannot do that with you any longer. You hurt me to bad. And one day I hope to hear I am sorry from you. Though I do not want you to think I believe that you owe me something. I promise you, you have given me enough.
Until Then
Blondie
The Family Meeting
A rushed phone call to my father was the first of many made. My father and I were far from close. Yet, for some reason I had the urge to call him. I ceried to him when he picked up the phone, that I was dying. I had cancer. My life was over. What wouls happen to my daughter?
He was crying, on the other end, not something that I had never imagined he would do. In tearful words he told me we would fight this together. He told me to call my mom at work and let her. In fifteen minutes I was clutched in my parents arms like a toddler who had broke his or her arm.
Though there was so much love around me, I was numb. I could only think about how I was going to have to say goodbye to my daughter. Ever since she was born I had spent every second with her. She was spoiled and my baby. What would happen to her if I had to leave her?
I was rushed to the place that said my pap came back cancerous. My mom was with me because I was falling apart. They showed some pictures of where the cancer was located and said sugery would probably get it all. They just said that they couldn't do anymore at their clinic.
I told the lady that I had no insurance and there was no way I could ever afford surgery. She explained to me about breast and cervical cancer Medicaid for people in my situation and that I could sign up for that. And see where it would get me.
Later that day we had a family meeting with my gradparents, uncle, and my parents. That day I decided that I would stand up and fight this for my daughter. I had to do what was best for her. I called the doctor's office and told them my diagnosis and they set me up an appointment for three days later.
I had begun to be strong on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart.
Until Then
Blondie
The Fight Begins
My memories of the day I found out that my pap came back cancerous are blurred but vivid. I can remember exactly what conversation I was having when the call came in and everything that concluded the day. The phone call that I had for thirty minutes with a nurse practitioner on the phone, on the other hand, is a different story.
I spent the morning hours of this particular Friday outside playing with my daughter. I had turned down plans to go to a party with a close friend. I felt I just needed to stay home with my daughter. I had recently gone through a terrible break up and just hadn't felt like doing anything.
I was talking on the phone with my friend as another call came in. I asked him to hold on and switched over unaware of the conversation that was about to take place. The voice on the phone was a woman eager to let me know that my pap had came back. She preceded to tell me that it had came back positive for cancer and that I needed to see a specialist because there was no more they could do there.
That point in the conversation is when it becomes a blur. I haven't a clue what she said, and why a telephone conversation was deemed the method to let me know. She had no information besides it was something that needed immediate attention.
After about thirty minutes, my friend was still on hold. I have no clue why he chose to stay on the line for that long. He normally hangs up after a few seconds, but this time he was still there.
The conversation had gone from happy to sad. Two weeks earlier one of our friends was diagnosed with cancer with a terrible outlook. He was fading fast, and now I was diagnosed. He was screaming to God about why all of us, and I was crying hysterically screaming why me?
He assured me that he would be there through this and I was planning on how to say good-bye to my one year old. I was lying down before I knew what fight was ahead. This was definitely a hurdle in life that would show how strong I was, or break me completely. I was leaning toward being broke at this moment, unaware of just how strong I could be.
Until Then
Blondie
Happy Days
The past days have been great for me. I have been talking to colleges and making final decisions on where I should go. Though I have not been able to make my mind up, I am confident that I will be able to choose wisely. My head is up and my heart is light.
Until Then,
Blondie
Until Then,
Blondie
Decisions
Hello Friends!
Sorry no posts! I have been at a Conference for the college. I was honored at a ceremony and named the college's Academic All-Star. It was a wonderful event in a big city. I was excited to be away from the country scene. I was with the best people I know. I got to kick it with college professors and recruiters. It was a wonderful experience I will never forget.
After I accepted my award at the conclusion of the ceremony, I was recruited by multiple colleges. As I walked across that stage and they announced my name and read my biography, I had an epiphany. I had never thought I had accomplished so much in such a short stay at a two year college.
The best thing was when my entire college section gave me a standing ovation. They were really proud of me and that is something I have never experienced before. They all had to have a picture and a hug. Over and over I heard that the sky was the limit and I represented the college in a light that they did not expect. I am still excited about it.
In a few short days, I realized that I have power to accomplish everything and go wherever I choose. The best part is it will be free. Twelve universities in the state have offered me scholarships to attend their college. The package includes everything from book stipends to housing. All include full tuition.
I stand here today knowing that I have accomplished a great deal in two years; and I now realize that my accomplishments are stepping stones for the next chapter. I am proof that reaching for the stars is not impossible for anyone. It does not matter if you are barely getting by and still searching for yourself. If you dig deep you can accomplish anything.
~No One But You Can Control Motivation
Blondie
